What Really Matters to You? The Kinder Questions
The Kinder Questions were created by a financial/life coach named George Kinder. They are designed to stir thoughts that drive at the dreams, priorities, and potential regrets we could have with money.
I was listening to another financial podcast during my spare time the other day (as I’m sure nearly everyone does) and a financial planner was being interviewed about financial priorities and goals.
He brought up three questions that I found extremely thought-provoking and wanted to share with you.
The questions were originated by a financial/life coach named George Kinder.
Conveniently enough, his questions have become known as “The Kinder Questions” and they are great for stirring thoughts about one’s goals, values, and priorities, not just about money, but about life as well.
In summary, the Kinder Questions are as follows:
KINDER QUESTION 1:
“Imagine you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. How would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams. Describe a life that is complete and richly yours.”
KINDER QUESTION 2:
“Now imagine that you visit your doctor, who tells you that you have only 5-10 years to live. You won’t ever feel sick, but you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining? Will you change your life and how will you do it?” (Note that this question does not assume unlimited funds.)
KINDER QUESTION 3:
“Finally, imagine that your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have 24 hours to live. Notice what feelings arise as you confront your very real mortality. Ask yourself: What did you miss? Who did you not get to be? What did you not get to do?”
KINDER QUESTION 1: If Money Was No Object…
“Imagine you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. How would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams. Describe a life that is complete and richly yours.”
Chances are you’ve thought about things that would be nice to have if only you could afford them.
Perhaps there’s a dream car, second home, or vacation destination you’ve always had your eye on if only the cash was available to go get it.
Maybe there’s a cause you’d love to be wildly generous toward.
Whatever those dreams are, this first question does a great job of helping you frame your ultimate goals financially.
Instead of connecting your retirement to a net worth target monetarily, this question invites you to visualize what financial independence would look like to you if you achieved it.
This is also an important step for identifying motives for wealth accumulation. We call it starting with why.
You see, visualizing people, things, or places as we set goals provides a higher degree of motivation to see them through and achieve them.
If we limit our dreams to a number on a bank ledger or even a stack of cash, we’re less likely to receive an emotional boost to propel us onward toward success.
For example, when I’ve set goals for marathons in the past, I’ve found I’m more likely to achieve my goal if I can picture milestones in the race.
How do I do this? I get on google maps and preview the course as much as possible. I carry those images in my mind as I run toward the next milestone, then the next, and so on.
It may sound quirky, but I promise I’m not blowing smoke. It really works.
KINDER QUESTION 2: What really matters to you?
“Now imagine that you visit your doctor, who tells you that you have only 5-10 years to live. You won’t ever feel sick, but you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining? Will you change your life and how will you do it?” (Note that this question does not assume unlimited funds.)
This second question helps us prioritize our dreams.
When I was in my 20s, I dreamed of owning a 1967 Corvette convertible. A red one, of course.
As I’m writing this, I’m 41 and the convertible is no longer on my wish list.
Why?
Because there are four people in my family and the car only seats two.
The car isn’t any less cool, but I went and grew my family so my priorities changed. There’s a certain level of practicality I value now that I have two kids.
I guess I’ll have to shift my automobile dreams to something with more room. Oh well.
By putting a schedule on your dreams you’re suddenly forced to organize them according to their importance because if you don’t you might miss out on an important bucket list item while waiting for “someday” to come.
Question two also provides a cold reminder of our mortality. Regardless of your perspective on eternity, we can all agree that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Life is short. We better live it while we can.
KINDER QUESTION 3: Urgency and Regret
“Finally, imagine that your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have 24 hours to live. Notice what feelings arise as you confront your very real mortality. Ask yourself: What did you miss? Who did you not get to be? What did you not get to do?”
Okay, this one is a bit morbid, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t useful.
Mark Twain has been credited with saying “you’ll regret the things you don’t try more than the things you do”.
I have no idea if the citation is correct, but I’ve found the spirit of the quote to be true.
Of course, it has its limits. I’ve never regretted not robbing a bank or sinking my life savings into a Kansas gold mine. But we’re assuming everyone is reasonable here.
The shock value of this question is high, but hopefully, it forces you to face unsettled matters in your life and inspires some urgency.
Is there something you’ve been waiting to tell a loved one?
Something you’ve always wanted to do with the kids or your spouse?
Is your estate plan in good shape?
All this unfinished business is now laid bare before you to consider. Time to get to it.
Or maybe it’s reassuring to know you’ve lived well and have your ducks in a row.
Either way, very thought-provoking.
Our Conversation
I brought these questions up one night during pillow talk time.
Lisa and I found the first two questions to be pretty easy. We share very similar dreams, goals, and values and we’ve discussed these topics in some form many times over the years.
If you’ve read many of the posts on this site, you may have picked up that we love to travel. That’s exactly where our discussion of Kinder Question one went. Not to houses, cars, or stuff; just travel.
Kinder Question two turned the conversation in a more serious direction, but didn’t alter dreams as much as it inspired conversation about having a surefooted estate plan that wouldn’t leave the other destitute with two kids if one of us passed unexpectedly.
We have friends who have walked through illness and experienced the loss of a spouse at far too young an age. This question had some emotional effect which made the third question especially sensitive.
Kinder Question three made us very sad to consider. Nearly everything we discussed regarding question three shifted toward spirituality. (As Christians, we naturally associate death with eternity.)
It was a reminder that we have a lot of “jobs” as parents, but none are more important than teaching our children to love their Lord and their neighbor.
The fact is, there are more important things than money.
Kinder Question three certainly highlights that fact which is also why we always want to remember to view money as a tool and a means to an end rather than the end itself.
We encourage you to spend some time thinking about these questions and, if you have a significant other in your life, run through this with them as well.
Hopefully, it will at least serve as a helpful reminder of what you value but might even change the way you live your life.
